the amazing universe

I must say that I am really blown away by the intense beauty of the world. the natural wonders, the complexity of every living thing. the colors, the sounds, the textures, the smells. and while I cannot say for certain whether I experience these sensations in the same way that you do, I am confident that there is no denying the beauty of not only this planet, but the entire universe. I am often overwhelmed by this, but I would rather be overwhelmed than go through my day to day life without paying any mind to these things.

I am frustrated and saddened by the fact that I will not be able to see the entire world. it's impossible. yet this will not stop me from soaking up every bit of it that I can. it is certainly not only the natural world that I refer to, there are also cultural and abstract wonders. beautiful artwork, architecture, music, things that are, on their own, incredible... but what is even more striking is the fact that the human mind conceived and created these things.

with all this in mind, I feel so incredibly lucky to be alive - and the simple act of being introduces an entirely new set of amazement - human thought and human emotion, that while expressed in words and artwork, can never be fully materialized. if you think about it, no matter how much you write, or paint, or sing, the state of your heart and mind will never be duplicated. this is also somewhat distressing, but there is comfort in a sort of universal human spirit which has endured for thousands of years.

so slow

it is a strange and paradoxical to be feeling so conflicted, yet simultaneously be amidst an unshakable inner peace. a peace that stems from some sort of connection to the universe, an unspoken trust in all that is to come. patience may be a virtue, but is one of the hardest things in the world for me to grasp. i mean that in every way possible. constantly feeling on the edge of something greater on all levels, yet seemingly always coming up empty handed. so tired of fruitless searches. i may be on the right track, but the train is moving ever so slowly, and i don't even know my stop.

the cocoon

a few days ago a couple of caterpillars were scoping out the woodwork of my patio. shortly thereafter, i come home to find one beginning to spin a cocoon in the corner of a ledge. my inner kindergarten biologist found the whole act incredible, watching the creature with a sense of wonder i won't soon discard. the next morning, it was there - the cocoon. i'm sure it worked all night to weave such a structure in which its metamorphosis will take, is taking, place.

a few minutes of research informed me that i can expect a rather dull looking moth to emerge within a few weeks. it will begin the mating cycle, lay eggs if it is female, and then die. sounds like such a dismal existence. it's silly, but i wonder if the moth has memory. i wonder if it remembers life as a caterpillar at all. if it has thoughts, or if it dreams. the fact that all species of moths and butterflies exist for such a short time and seemingly devote their existence to propagating the species is remarkable to me.

every second, so many changes are happening on earth, right down to the tiniest molecule. it often seems so off-kilter, but upon closer inspection it amazes me how synchronized it all is. it gives me a new perspective on life and the universe. it is so easy to forget these small wonders in our own day to day activities.

i could choose to make this a metaphor about my own life, but i choose not to.

just words

i have always longed to live a poetic and graceful existence. yet in retrospect, it all seems so clumsy and haphazard. ideally, all my thoughts and feelings would be neatly packaged, tied up with a bow, ready to be delivered and unwrapped through eloquent speech. perhaps i can blame the media for instilling within me unrealistic expectations of human interaction and expression. in many television programs and films, every action is beautifully executed with a level of composure unmatched in my day to day life. however, i know that in reality there are still individuals who are just, undoubtedly, graceful. while i am often envious of such characters, i have to admit that i rather like the hodgepodge of spontaneous expressions, gestures, words, sounds, and actions of human beings. it is quite the spectacle. i have found though, that it is easiest for me to express myself through the written word. the keyboard, the pen, they all produce a set of recognizable, easy to manage pieces, void of unnecessary interjections or awkward pauses.

nothing is worth more than this day.

how much of what you now feel is dictated by the present moment? is it possible to snip the tethers of the past, to turn a blind eye to the possibilities of the future, and revel only in the here and now? more often than not, when I examine my emotions (especially when they are at their most turbulent) I find I am brooding over some long gone event, or am instead choked with anticipation.

it is a healthy and ever-relevant practice to strive to live in the present moment. this is something near to my heart, but also something I struggle with. is it really possible to be completely free of the past? much in the same way that our lives are partially determined by the culture and society into which we are born, it seems that our past (both negative and positive) is hanging above our heads influencing our decisions, words, actions, and emotions. to escape its grasp seems near impossible, but perhaps for good reason. for from the past we can extract wisdom, hope, and smiles.

i suppose we should strive for a delicate balance between acknowledging the tokens of the past for what they are worth, and at the same time detaching ourselves enough to build our future into something of our liking.